8th October 2008

because i'm tired.
because i didn't do my best.
because i didn't put in the effort i'm supposed to.
because i took time for granted.
because i'm too easily distracted.
because it seems that i'm not moving any closer to my goal.
because i'm losing track of what i want.
because i know i'm not going to do well.
because i know that isn't supposed to be the case.
because i can't stand smiling and laughing when i don't feel it inside.
because i can't pretend any longer.
because i demand too much from myself.
because i want to prove something to myself.
because i hate falling behind.
because i hate to disappoint.
because i feel empty inside.
because shopping isn't helping.
because i'm losing it.
because it's all my fault.

that's why.



She had been rocking herself back and forth, fighting the tears that threatened to fall, swallowing the lump that threatened to rise in her throat, forcing back the thoughts that threatened to drown her mind. It felt as though she were fighting everything right now. ... She felt she was always fighting, fighting, fighting. And now, here she sat, fighting her very own emotions.

She felt as if she had been through a hundred rounds in the ring, as if she'd taken every punch,thump, and kick her opponents could throw at her. Now she was tired. Her muscles ached, her defense was falling, and her wounds weren't healing so quickly.A cat leaped from the high wall that separated Elizabeth from her neighbours and landed in her garden. It glanced at Elizabeth, chin held high, eye glowing in the darkness. It slowly walked across the grass, without a care in the world. So sure of itself, so confident, so full of its own self-importance. It jumped onto the opposite wall and disappeared into the night. She envied its ability to come and go as it pleased, without owing anybody anything, not even those closest who loved and cared for it.

extracted from IF YOU COULD SEE ME NOW cecelia ahern.