11th August 2006

its another thinking too much day for me. so bear with me. if not, dun bother to read the entry.




since yesterday, i started thinking. cos val wanted some adjectives for her song composing. then we started talking about the past. so many things have happened and gone. not forgotten though.

**betrayal**

**hurt**

**test of trustworthiness**

**love**

**rejection**

**success**

**failures**

**losses**

**choices**

there's so many many more but i cant list them all. its just all flowing back. everything that has happened since i stepped into coral. until now. so many things have changed. friendships were formed and some tragically lost but yet found again after time. enemies made. hatred formed, many forgotten. its so hard to forget those happy times i had in choir and with the many people i can call my friends. times in the prefectorial board. fights/ conflicts i created with them. the constant arguments that were made by me. all my nonsensical nonsense. i miss those times. all the camps and gazing at the stars with samantha. at the parade square in the middle of the night. the choir camp that was planned by me and khalis and jere and jamie. that was the best camp ever. the games we played. the nite walk was funny. the campfire was fantastic. everything was nice. and i still remember we were sleeping at the basketball court. there are still so many other things. the choir practices, with the late mdm ong. those were the best. those will never ever be forgotten. the hard work put in to do our best for syf. but we still got bronze but it was the experience that was priceless i guess. the constant practices we had to put in to do our best for the syf opening, performances and stuff. the musical, we did in my last year. though it wasnt that successful, i so enjoyed myself. i may have been quite irritating while ordering the members around but its my duty i guess. thats all bout my choir experience in coral. all the memories all here with me. always kept close.

studies and stuff was the least of my worries. though there was constant inflow of stress from my parents, afraid that i was spending too much time with school activities (when now i come to think of it, it really feels like i have spent alot of time with the school activities but i had so much fun). they put so much stress on my level positions, constantly pushing me for better results (though they dun say it, i feel the pressure). so many many things. the scoldings i used to get when my level position was above 80th position out of the 200 students there were. my dad always made it a point to compare. i couldnt do anything but study harder i guess.

now things are so different. there's no such thing as level positions. no more scoldings from my daddy when i do badly. he just talks to me. nags at me. sometimes i wish he would just scold me so badly that i feel motivated to study. theres no motivation for me to study now. though i want so badly to study psychology in NUS. i see no meanign in doing so. i wonder why. maybe its the constant failing. making my future look so bleak. i seriously doubt i can make it. i really wonder. i really wonder what i will do if i ever fail. i will disappoint the people who had faith in me. my dad and mum. my relatives. but most importantly i will disappoint myself.

the things that lie beyond that smile.
smiles. laughter. tears of joy. signs of happiness that ppl see almost everyday. yet deep inside of me i feel no such happiness. sometimes laughing feels more like a chore then a natural reaction to me. why? i dunno myself. maybe i have just kept too much in me. i see no point in telling everyone my troubles, the emotions i feel inside anymore. no one would ever ever understand i guess. i keep so much inside that i have sudden outbreaks of tears like the one had on 02082006. that was sudden. it was the breaking point. and now i'm back to keeping things to myself again. its just me. and my bad habits.

everything's happening so quickly. there's like less than a month to prelims and after that maybe about a month to As. i'm so not prepared. and now i'm thinking about other things that do not have anything to do with my studies. i took my memories. of the past heartbreaks (or maybe the hearts that i have broken). i threw them away. but i realised that i couldnt let go. there are still so many smses that i'm keeping. the longest one i've kept is the one u sent me on 18012005. that was the beginning of last year. its been so so long. and i wanna let go. NOW. but its so hard. and i sometimes ask myself "are u feeling the same way too?" i dunno if i want to know the answer to that question. i think i have found someone else. like i say, i think. cos i'm not too sure myself. about this new someone, i hope its not a one sided thing. i seriously hope so. so if it really is a one sided thing, please at least have the courtesy to tell me so. i dun think i have the strength to take the rejection.



betrayal. one thing that i hate the most. its been a long time since that incident. but its somehow still quite fresh in my mind. secrets. backstabbing. ignorance. and it all left bad impressions of me in the minds of ppl. i became the "bad one" over a short period of time. that year was the worst year i had to go thru. but its all over rite? i thank my lucky stars for all those who were standing by me and helping me thru those times. (:




all the very random stuff that i'm feeling now. they may not have links to each other but ya, thats me.

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ok enough randomness from me. today the doctor gave me 42 tablets to last me for the next 6 weeks. he seems to know when i dun have to go to school cos the next appointment is a non schooling day too. its so amazing. it was the same doctor that looked so blur the other time i went for the check up. waited so long for my turn. thank goodness i had company :) someone who made me walk the long way to the TB centre. and discovered that i was afraid of tickles. but then again he was good company i guess. thanks again!

to val (if u ever read this =p), things dun always go the way u want them to. and also everything happens for a reason! just retake and dun put too much stress on yourself. and dun focus too much on that subject only k? heehee take care and i'll give u a letter soon!

okies to everyone take care and smile always!